Vomiting intentionally and speaking truth is hard when you know your voice will surely crack and your body will tremble. However, sometimes you just have to take a deep mental breath and swallow your doubt and stand up for yourself and others like and unlike you, particularly in the face of ignorance. My name is Alex, Alexandria in full, and I'm done listening to the bigot, racist, homophobic, misogynistic, insensitive, regressive shit that people too often say. Ironically my full name is the feminine form of Alexander, which stands for the defender of men. Everyday I hope and believe that I am slowly living up to my namesake.
With the passing of each birthday, I typically give myself a long period of reflection. This post has been in draft mode since about the 1st of December. I've been fleshing out my thoughts and then whittling away here and there. At 25, I am beginning to figure out how to actualize all the ways in which I matter. I have struggled with this for years. My self worth has effected every aspect of my life and I'm sure it affects more people than just me as well. That's why I'm writing this, to let you know you are not alone. The truth is we never are, for there is always, at least I believe, someone or a group of someones that have carried your burden. Over the years I have found solace in knowing I'm not alone.
So who am I ? This is a question I would ask myself as I struggled to find inner peace with my identity growing up. Who do I see when I look in the mirror ? What am I worth ? What is a violation of my worth? Are others doing this or am I the violator? As a perpetual people please-r as my mom identified years ago, I always put people before my own needs. I was obsessed with being a friend to all, the fixer, a personal punching bag.
Today I am in a much better place and I am loving who I am because I've fought so hard to find my identity. I've experienced many nights that I never thought would end and days where I didn't think I could push my smile to hold any longer. My journey has made me love myself more than ever. Today I know that I am not giving up my love for me, with the slights of people's actions or words and you shouldn't either.
Lately I feel like I've been seeing with new eyes, hearing with new ears. It's like I've been given a sixth sense. My sixth sense has me completely intolerant of ignorance. I am beyond done listening passively to ignorance and waiting for it to end, in an attempt to be polite or nice. Silence has too often reigned. People speak without thinking, and throw away their words. They will cut you and hate you before you even say hello. People underestimate the power of their tongues. Words mean everything, they were created to communicate, so let's do it with that intent. I have been quiet too long when I should have spoken. I am letting my fear go and validating why I matter.
I recently set a personal goal to begin using my words more carefully and being more exacting in what I say. With that goal in mind, I am more critical than ever to what I say as well as that of others. I am also making another goal to keep speaking truth even when it is scary, hard, or leaves me vulnerable. The things we say matter and hold merit with our actions.
I hope you feel solace as I did when I happened upon someone else that has been through/ or is going through a similar struggle. I also hope that you don't bite your tongue, when someone challenges you with ignorance. I hope you find the courage and tact to speak truth and educate.
Until next time, I hope you peeps keep on fighting for yourselves and your self worth. As for me, I will be attempting to reattach my noggin that I have just opened while writing this. Much love you guys. xoxo
Peace within is hard to find. Here is such a fitting image of how I feel at this very moment as I have pulled my thoughts out to share with you guys. A month later here is my solace.
I am now 25, a quarter of a century. I did't do anything extravagant or crazy, but I did do what I wanted for the most part. I made my birthday what I wanted it to be and finally I didn't dread it like I do every year. Birthdays are way too full of expectation. I bought myself these balloons and a bunch of other useless bday crap from the dollar store, cuz why not.
Proud to have made it through and to today.
Smiles don't speak truth, but they speak hope and faith in a brighter tomorrow.
I really don't understand why people let you know that they can and will offend you when they say, "don't take this personal" or "I don't want to offend you but.." That is a huge disclaimer. You will and do intend to offend me--don't be fooled by this intro. I am going to let you know now, I do intend to offend ignorance and those that openly perpetuate it. I hope you do too.