Mind Killer

Sharing is caring and it's been too long.  Still trying to find the resolve to write more frequent little things so the lapse in my posts are not so obscenely large, and my posts don't become a dissertation, leaving you womp womp womping through these blocks of text. Truth is, I slept on this post for wayyy to long. It was mostly written two days after I started it and now it's a patch blend of how I felt then and how I feel now. Two weeks later here it is with my frame of mind altered from how it began. I am a ball of ever-changing moods. Time has passed and inevitably things have also changed. My new year so far is a little wompy. I made goals and I'm a at a standstill reassessing and reflecting. Cheers to womp womp new year womp womp same me.

While my get-shit-done meter is not at its peak, I am still holding and working toward a rather large goal that has several smaller goals within. This year I am pushing myself to be more of a challenge chaser, which is proving to be quite hard. In the past, I haven't really struggled with self-motivation, but lately it's been a consistent battle. Nevertheless, I am pushing through because that's what you do when you want to succeed.

Reasons I like to challenge myself:

1. I am a masochist

2. I thrive in the  awkward I-dont-know-what-the-hell-I-am doing feeling--- like I have stated before, I am learning to relax into discomfort

Putting yourself in the way of a little discomfort is like doing a warm up stretch to your toes. At first you feel like you can't quite make it. So you breathe , in and out, inhale, exhale. Suddenly that beginning discomfort of what feels like your ligaments breaking + if you have a wild roaming imagination like me you have a visual of this feeling in your head of you as a cartoon. In this untimely episode you are not running from an anvil, but your legs have been replaced with rubber bands that are snapping with a horribly vivid sound to match the visual. If you can let those images go and relax, then you start to sink down into the stretch, more at ease, closer to your goal. Typically these stretches are quite awful at their start, really awful and unpleasant, Sometimes these difficult things feel like they will take forever to complete. If you are anything like me your metaphorical stretch may take two weeks to accomplish, and guess what, that is OK. Progress presents itself in many ways. 

 I recently accepted a challenge of being more physically active. PSA: I am not physically adept. My body is basically a foreign body, unknown to me when doing any sort of rhythmic coordination. The rare exception to my lack of physical acuity is the in the motor skills that I use to craft and create, and even at best those skills fail me. So despite all this, I have accepted the challenge of what some would consider punishing myself. I am the punisher. 

Wearing my Punisher tee, so that makes this picture relevant to this post right? Maybe...?

Wearing my Punisher tee, so that makes this picture relevant to this post right? Maybe...?

My current punishment: parkour, the art of movement and obstacle negotiation.  It sounds as beautiful and mystifying as it looks. Reality is, it is hard as hell, and the chances that you will actually make it look as smooth as it sounds are very little.  I have no idea where my body is, which way it's turned, if I'm up or down. I am still shocked, that I am regularly taking a mix of classes like these. Well with the exception of totally skipping out on classes last week because I just could not.  Why am I doing this? Simple answer: I am a masochist as mentioned earlier that loves challenges. Long answer: keep reading.

At this moment that I am writing this, I feel better than the day I began this draft, even though I am not as giddy, I am full of understanding that this will be full of sweat, frustration and patience, and I will be better after. I feel stronger. Scratch that, I am stronger and less filled with can'ts and doubt.  I am doing this because I am breaking my mind and rebuilding it. Fear is sick and I want to let it go. My goal is to be comfortable with new unknown things and not let fear control my mind. In lieu of that, and previous classes of parkour I would like to recant my endless mountain of can'ts I have spoken recently. I can.

I don't like doing things I am not good at. This seems stupid, because it is very rare that you are just inherently good at something. So why parkour? I am certainly not good at it yet by far.  I still have a ways to go in bending my mind around the normal conventions that my body is indoctrinated. In the first class I took I felt a vivid mix of emotions, frustration, embarrassment, and defeat. I know that's loaded. I felt like the bench-warmer, not excelling like the others were. If it were a team sport I would def, 10/10 be the last pick . One of those others, my boyfriend, somehow seems to be amazing at everything. So I found myself annoyed and frustrated that I wasn't breezing through, feeling like an ultimate contrast to my bf. A little background, Jonathan, my boyfriend, has had several years of practice in parkour, so he is freaking amazing. Back to my cloud of negative emotions I  was certain that taking this class was the worst voluntary thing I could have done to myself. I felt like everyone was judging me and that I was failing. Not only was I failing, I was doing so in public. Then I realized no one cared, and I had put myself in a position to feel like a failure from the start because of comparison. Comparison to others is no good.

Now that I have had time to reflect, my new mantra going forward which is applicable to like everything: My last milestone is my starting point, I am my competitor.  The comparative nature of humans can be so self-defeating. It seems especially self-defeating with the saturation of social media that typically only features the best of best moments of people's lives.  I want to compare myself to myself. IRL: I need to make those sentences real in a print out to read on the daily. 

Finally in closing, if you have made it all the way to this point in reading this, maybe my words aren't just meaningless womp womps. While I love Charlie Brown, I hope that my words are not convoluted like the teachers that no one ever cared about, but still oddly remembered. May you find solace and new resolve to keep cranking if you have goals, that like mine are not made with ease, but with preserving patience. Don't compare yourself to others and don't be discouraged for too long. Don't let fear own you and push yourself, because chances are you can and will do it!  Recant the can'ts!

Love love this quote. I love even more that the parkour instructor quoted  a bit of this to help me break through the barrier of jumping off this huge box to do a cat hang. I didn't quite get to the hang, but still progress. One day "only I will remain." 

Love love this quote. I love even more that the parkour instructor quoted  a bit of this to help me break through the barrier of jumping off this huge box to do a cat hang. I didn't quite get to the hang, but still progress. One day "only I will remain." 

Because you can do what seems to evade you. Bury those can'ts.  

Because you can do what seems to evade you. Bury those can'ts.