There will never be a me without a whimsy edge. I am outstanding at leisurely riding unicorns, casting my own styling spells, and charming people and lately in deceiving them, unfortunately. If you know me, you know I quite enjoy a sprinkling of magic in everything I do. Discipline and sometimes reality is unfortunately the muggle to my magical world.
Love this cute little pin. Makes me feel majestic, one because I designed the graphic and two because look what it says! Majestic AF.
It took me six years to get my degree in the Apparel Arts (Apparel Merchandising and Product Development). A feat I recently accomplished (with no spells). It would have taken four years. I could have been more persistent. I should have graduated and not just walked across the stage of Barnhill Arena in May of 2014. But all these things did not happen. My plans did not happen, all of which I thought was because I lacked discipline. A year ago I would have never let this be known, let alone sit and write about it.
Reflection should never be a bloody beating. But it was and has been for me for so many years. I’ve always believed that certain things would unfold in my intricately planned ways. I was aware that this was quite unusual for most, but I thought I could stay on that path. I thought I was special somehow, immune. Today I have realized that despite my ardor, shit happens and will always happen. Don’t smash your face into the mirror.
In the beginning, I smashed my face into the mirror over and over again with ridicule. Here enters the deceit. From the exterior, I maintained that I had graduated. I kept my lie alive to everyone with the exception of my boyfriend and a few friends. Embarrassment, shame, and disappointment were just a few of my feelings. My entire graduation was the sickest joke. I found myself laughing maniacally to my boyfriend to keep from crying. It was a ruse. My family all came to celebrate my cousin and I graduating. Except that I wasn’t graduating at all, they were celebrating my accomplishments, which I could not even be honest about; that was the sick part. The lie was a cover for my pride. The lie was the worst.
Post pseudo graduation I began an internship, a requirement for my long anticipated degree. I was hired on full time at the end of its run. I worked nearly a year and a half full time, before I started finishing the remaining eight hours to my degree. This road was long and rough. By the time I had refocused I was in a very demanding position averaging 55-60 hours a week, while trying to keep up with my online classes. As a habitual procrastinator, the finishing of my classes was majorly delayed. My remaining hours were composed of two 3 hour credit courses, any elective courses of my choosing, and my study tour (two hours total). The electives were easier to commit to aside from the procrastination. The study tour was something I dreaded, because it meant I had to physically return to school and admit to myself that I was not done. So this is when I began my journey to swallowing my pride, that I hadn’t realized was a problem, until this point. Why was I my biggest critic? ---pride?
The study tour was comprised of two parts. The first part was an eight week class on campus. The second was the actual week long tour that took place in NYC (my first trip to NYC took place during this trip, as revisited in my first post). My first day of my study tour class was not the big deal I made it at all. It was quite chill. My expectations vs. the reality were not the same, per usual (I heighten the hell out of situations). No one cared that I hadn't graduated. In my head I had created this huge failure. I know this is all a bit drama-queeny, but everyone has there own dramatized mess, that is very real to them.
So here I am now done. Finally!!! I realized that I am lacking neither discipline, nor perseverance. My previous "huge fail" is now my greatest success to date. I did what I myself thought I couldn't (taking nearly a two year hiatus from school is dangerous). Who would have thought that my highlight reel and shit reel would intertwine?
The point of me baring it all is that we all have our own winding maze to navigate. We all start in different places with different things. As individuals we must make what we will of each experience and obstacle. We can be broken by it or we can adjust and filter through the change. We all have a uniquely flawed path. Own it.
My mom has always told me that I shouldn't take myself so seriously. Thanks Mama (I know I am stubborn and defensive sometimes, but I listen). Coasting your failures is a lot easier when you can laugh about it. So here is to learning how to not think my shit doesn't stink, or acting like I don't have any. Hey look at me! Owning this shit show AF.
Weird, quirky stuff I own. Ultra special Jon Snow charm that a great friend, Devon, gave me as a "see ya soon" gift when I left for MD. I love the figurines derpy facial expression. Devon, if you are reading this, hey hey and I miss you!!! Everytime I get my mail I think of you (Mr. Snow is connected to my mailbox key) lol.
Weird, quirky stuff I do. Throwback to when I was Disco Kitty for Halloween at Plato's. What a good crazy time. Loved the day, the costume, and trying to get this ridiculous picture. Hated the glitter, the massive hordes of glitter, that killed the sweater pictured here. Shout out to all my PC gals that laughed with me and watched me literally eat and breathe glitter this day.
We are all humans. Don't let your crap define you.